Grudges
I've been reflecting the past day or two about the concept of a grudge.
A grudge is "a feeling of resentment harbored because of some real or fancied wrong." Notice the term fancied, which is an idea or opinion with little foundation; an illusion.
I've encountered a person or two lately seemingly hanging on to a grudge, which has got me thinking about the whole subject in the first place. What I'm wondering is if it's something that's learned, or if it's a personality tendency. You've all met people that are perpetually being wounded by those around them. Perhaps you're even one of them. Their daily moods and attitude are at the mercy of the people that aren't calling them enough, or forgot to do something they said they would do, or otherwise didn't behave in some way, shape, or form so as to meet and satisfy their expectations. A person disappoints them and their day is shot. And you can be certain they will, inadvertantly in most cases, make great gains at short-circuiting the joy of everyone around them as well.
Personally, I tend not to hold grudges. I tend not to have predetermined expectations for people, either. I just kind of take people at face value. I'm not exalting myself for this, because I'm not entirely convinced that I could even take credit for it, or attribute it to myself directly. I don't recall witnessing the behaviour in my parents, so it was never modelled to me. Neither one of my parents ever place themselves in the role of a victim, which is what you're doing when you go around acting wounded all the time. Also, I remember my mother always telling me that when I allow other people to control my emotions, I'm giving them permission to have power over me. I didn't like the way that sounded one bit, and so I've pretty much decided not to hand people the reigns to my emotional state. It has become second nature by this point in my life, and I believe I'm a happier person for it. It's quite nice when your personal happiness doesn't rest on circumstances, and the sensitivity, or lack of it, in others.
One of the things that is particularly distasteful about holding a grudge is that it's inescapably self-centered. When you hold a grudge against someone for something they've done, which is most likely relatively petty (and even if it's not petty, it's still rather unbecoming), you're broadcasting to the world that;
a) you're self-absorbed, and
b) you allow your inner victim to be your outward facing representative to the world
Both of these things sound highly undesirable to me.
That then led me to think of all of the things that each of us do in our lives to wrong others we encounter, whether real or perceived. It's funny that we would expect grace from those people, but we don't extend it to them. I'm willing to bet that most times when people are holding a grudge against someone, the other person is going along happily in life having no idea the other person is ticked off at them. So, effectively, it's self-destructive and joy-inhibiting.
What I want to know is, what is the benefit or personal gain of grudge-holding? I've racked my brain thinking about this, wondering what would compel human beings to habitually engage in the practice if there wasn't something advantageous that results from the behaviour. I'm really at a loss to find a single benefit and must conclude that we participate in such behaviour to our own personal detriment.
It's remarkable to me that God finds us particularly lovable in light of all that, but I suppose it only serves to glorify His nature all the more. Perhaps that's the point entirely. Hmm... I'm satisfied with that.
If you're holding a grudge, for God's sake, put it to bed already and get on with your life.